Brother to Brother
There once was a boy that masqueraded as a man.
His first marriage ended in divorce.
He was physically impressive enough to get a second woman to marry him.
He was social enough to make her smile.
Most everyone liked him.
Most would say he was a great guy.
Those that knew him, the ones that really knew him, would know he had a temper.
It saved him more than once, and it served him well in his youth.
That changed for him one day.
While he never abused anyone, he did rage like a mad man.
The moment everything changed was when he recognized a specific emotion on his wife and son’s faces—fear.
At first he was indignant, seeking the easy path.
You likely know the one.
Where you blame those around you to avoid the responsibility.
Pointing the finger at those closest to you to avoid the pain.
This tactic has been used for a long time.
“The man said, ‘The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me some of the fruit of the tree, and I ate.’”
Adam points fingers at Eve and God. Imagine the audacity!
The boy masquerading as a husband, and father, chose to accept a reality that was new to him.
He decided to play the adversary to himself.
Battle Tested Plan
He began really examining and accepting what fear on their faces meant.
They didn’t know he wouldn’t hurt them.
They didn’t know he was just “venting.”
They thought, “he might hurt me,” and that realization caused him to choke on his own rage.
He began asking questions:
How could they think that?
Had he ever hurt them before?
Why did it bother him so much?
Was the anger worth those he was supposed to protect being afraid of him?
Was he a good man, or a tyrant?
Then came the answers to the questions.
Because they had no reason to believe they were safe with an unstable boy, the size of a man, slamming his fists on his chest like some wild gorilla.
He hadn’t physically hurt them, but he had shattered their perception of safety and security.
It bothered him because he was supposed to be more than a tyrant, more than a bully, more than a man-child, and yet he wasn’t.
He shied away from the last question, not giving into the weight of the reality, but vowing to change the scales.
He started training his soul.
During arguments, he shut down the moment he realized he wasn’t in control of his tone.
This initially caused panic in the wife.
“What new level of anger is this?” She thought.
After several weeks of this, the man started to get angry at the wife’s assumed refusal to acknowledge his growth, but then he did something unexpected.
He said calmly “I haven’t raised my voice or lost control in over a month, and though it hasn’t been noticed, maybe it’s my penance. Maybe it’s something I’ve got to do to earn your trust again. If that’s what it takes, I’ll do it. I don’t want you to be afraid of me. Even if it takes years with no acknowledgement, I’ll suffer this the way you suffered me at my worst.”
It took her another six months to begin to see he wasn’t lying, that he was indeed growing.
For the son it took an additional six months.
His son was crying after doing something wrong because he thought he was going to get yelled at, and witness a raging monster.
The father looked at his son calmly and asked, “When was the last time I yelled?”
The boy paused and thought for a long moment before saying, “a long time ago.”
“When you have gotten into trouble, have we not talked about it like we are now, with calm voices?”
From that day on the family discussed grievances like adults expect one another to do, and all began to grow as people.
In order to develop into mature masculinity, a man must learn to sacrifice the boyish behavior he has long grown accustomed to.
When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.—1 Corinthians 13:11
While difficult for a man to do in his 30’s, it is not impossible.
Though I wasn’t yet a Christian man when this growth happened for me, it was all the values from Proverbs that led me to the growth.
I share this embarrassment because I want to help others know that, with the grace of God, all things really are possible.
Onward Towards Success
For my brothers out there fighting with their wives, stop.
Say nothing the moment you realize you are shouting.
Utter not another word.
It will always be easier to battle yourself than your wife.
To battle your wife is to bully her, and you are better than that.
So do battle with a foe that brings honor to your name, yourself.
Do not expect the wife, nor the children, to play by these rules.
You will discover the wife thinks 10x faster than you, and has already completed several arguments with her expectations of you.
The scenario she cannot comprehend is the one where you are silent.
It will confound her and this is where you must sacrifice yourself to win large.
You must be strong for her sake because she needs to see you are a source of calm in a world full of chaos.
If you yield, you only prove you are an inadequate source of stability and security.
A man trains his soul by sacrificing.
This is not about achieving some misguided victory.
This is about sacrificing yourself because you and her are one marriage.
I could go on and on, so I will end with this to illustrate that sacrificing is a testament of love, perhaps the best there is.
“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish, but have eternal life.”—John 3:16
May God smile upon you today and tomorrow. May you look back on all your yesterdays and believe He always has.
Gratefully,
Brandon Moore
I’ve already paid the price for this wisdom... use it.
P.S. I’ll send your next email on the 1st.
I’m supposed to say something witty right here that convinces you click a link to my books on Amazon. I never liked that idea and have struggled to do it correctly since this self-promotion journey began. So instead, if you want to support this work, share this with someone that needs it, or purchase “Fathering the Boy” or “The Boy’s Own Book” by Brandon Moore on Amazon. I would appreciate the support in spreading the message.
Wise counsel Brandon and a courageous story too!